We read about the latest fashion look for men recently – faux “dirty” jeans, to provide, presumably, those who don’t work with their hands with a little more masculine cachet. That purveyor of all things overpriced – Nordstrom’s – was offering said jeans for over $400.00.
It’s such an odd thing, this desire among certain humans to appear to be less of a thinker and more of a doer, despite the fact that so many thinkers have been quite successful. Thinkers are often portrayed as either someone to be tolerated, someone to be bullied, or someone to be laughed at for their strange and obscure differences. True, TV has occasionally been kind to thinkers, though usually only when one’s mental agility is matched by one’s physical agility.
So, in recognition of this strange desire to appear to be something else, we’ve decided to contribute our own wares. We are here to help those poor humans who have little or no connection with other animals and have found themselves ostracized for it.
Feeling left out because your friends all have animals that share their home? Frustrated by fellow office drones who question how you can survive without a feline friend to comfort you? (Or canine, though we completely understand why canines should be avoided.) Wondering if meeting that perfect someone would be easier if you looked like someone who cares about other creatures?
The Mighty Five are here with the solution. For a small fee, we will gladly shed on any item of apparel you provide. We have a wide variety of fur colors to choose from, and can provide either long or short hairs. We guarantee to find that perfect bit of fur, the one that will stand out unabashedly and declare you to be a true animal lover.
Want to test a sample first before fully committing? Not a problem. The wait-staff routinely collect small batches that we’ve shed, and this is the prime time of year for active fur loss. We’ll happily send you a small sample that you can carefully apply to your clothing. You’ll be looking like a two-cat householder in no time.
And for those who really want the full look, we can provide a partial muddy paw print, carefully placed to appear as if you didn’t notice the mark before leaving the house. Not too dark, not too light. Just enough to say “I love cats” but not “I never wash clothes.”
For those who prefer, for some inexplicable reason, to have dog fur, we also have access to a reliable canine source. Irish, the dog who lives two doors down, has a reddish-brown coat that is a perfect length. Not matter the background color or pattern, other humans will be able to spot the fur. Keep in mind that dog fur items may take longer, as acquiring dog hair involves human interactions…and a canine.
Finally, for those in need of some extra help looking more earthy, we will throw in a stray droplet of wine or two. After all, nothing says hard-working, animal-loving not a brainiac like a touch of old vine zin or a splash of mighty burgundy.
We are here, humans of the world, to save you from obscurity.