The Aliens Arrive

You may have noticed one of the more bizarre trends in home video – terrorizing your favorite feline with fruits and vegetables. In a typical shot, some poor cat is simply attempting to enjoy some kibble when an inconsiderate human slides the offending bit of vegetation right behind him. The cat finishes, turns around, and lo, there is suddenly a strange object that has never been there before. Not only that, but it bears little resemblance to any every day object.

The cat jumps, of course, and disappears.

And who can blame them? Are we really supposed to believe that humans would hang around and start a conversation if a tall, spooky something suddenly appeared behind you? No warning, no “Hey, yo, nice to meet you”. Just something long and green and fleshy that doesn’t appear at all scared to see you. We’ve seen humans hightail it from the room after finding a large cockroach, so we know the answer is no, the humans aren’t any more inclined to remain in the presence of the unknown.

The most common fruit used in these “experiments” (and we use that term loosely) is the cucumber. Though our staff is generally quite considerate, we decided it was best to be prepared so a little investigating was definitely required. Cucumbers, it turns out, are the fruit of a vinous plant. It typically prefers to climb, but if there is no supporting structure available, it will spread along the ground. (Sounds quite treacherous to us.)

Cucumbers are ¬†over 90% water, which would seem to suggest an easy target if encountered, though they are protected by a tough rind. They come in a variety of colors and sizes, though the most common are long, green things that bear a disturbing resemblance to, well…. some of us suggested a very fat, lazy snake though the majority felt a big piece of green poo seemed more appropriate. Which raised the question, what type of creature would leave a large, green poo behind? One we’re quite sure we wouldn’t want to meet.

Of course, we understand that humans eat things other than meat. It’s all part of their odd dietary requirements. Really, they’re almost as bad as dogs when it comes to properly processing your food. Cats, having a much better design, can survive quite happily on meat alone. Cucumbers, we concluded, must therefore, meet one of these needs. Again, our investigation found that these strange pods are really only good for something called Vitamin K. For that, we must tolerate cucumbers in the house?

And then it happened. The staff returned from a visit to a friend’s house. The bowl they had taken with them was now empty, but they also had a bag that obviously held several somethings. The bag was left on the counter in the kitchen while the humans tended their usual night time toilet. One human mentioned that the contents of the bag were “vegetables” that the friend had grown in her garden.

Having just finished our investigation of cucumbers, we decided that a closer look was required. Fuzzums was dispatched to the countertop, since the humans frequently display a reluctance to chastise her – something about her “big eyes”. Fuzzums quickly tore a hole through the bag, and found, oh horror of horrors, several cucumbers in the mix. Quick action was needed, and Fuzzums began gnawing on the end of one cucumber, hoping to destroy it before the humans reappeared.

Unfortunately, the rind is indeed tough, and while Fuzzums made some small holes, the humans returned before any serious damage could be done. But, our point was made. We would not be scared off by the sudden appearance of any cucumbers in our area. The humans seem to have understood – no cucumbers have been slipped behind these fabulous five felines.

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