Halloween is rapidly approaching and we five have taken to spending most of our time inside, despite the continuing warm weather. Mysterious has made a concerted effort to drastically reduce his time in the sun, given how popular black cats are this time of year. Mostest has also taken to spending long sojourns inside, watching from the safety of a window perch, given how popular white cats are this time of year.
It’s yet another instance of human behavior that can only be described as puzzling.
What to do with all this inside time? Well, since the idea is to scare humans, we would humbly suggest that watching a good horror movie or two would set the right tone (and leave your humans open to all sorts of suggestive behavior, like staring madly at the wall for no apparent reason.) There are plenty of Freddies, Jasons, and Michaels to choose from. There’s guaranteed to be plenty of blood and screaming and a few grisly scenes of internal organs becoming external. The key, we’ve noticed, is to have plenty of scenes of unexpected appearances. You know the ones – the dark figure that wasn’t there before, one hand suddenly extended in the blink of an eye, that grabs for whatever unfortunate happens to be passing by.
Insanity, thy name is horror.
And for many people, no one does insanity as well as Jack. Nicholson that is. And while he has a long list of creepy characters, may we humbly suggest that none are as creepy or flat-out terrifying as Jack Torrance, the slow-motion madness that is The Shining. While there are plenty of scary scenes in this movie, it’s hard to imagine anything more horrible than to have that patented Nicholson crazy-man face leering at you from the hole he just punched in the door with an axe. Personally, we would have been running down the mountainside in our bare little kitty feet to escape that one.
Of course, no list of Halloween fare would be complete without a nod to the long-time once-a-year craziness known as the Treehouse of Horror (aka the Simpsons annual Halloween special). We happily admit that many of our favorite Treehouse episodes revolve around Homer including:
- Send in the Clones – dozens of Homer clones begin to appear, thanks to a special hammock. How to destroy this overdose of Homerian proportions? A giant donut and a visit to Springfield Gorge, of course.
- Bad Dream House – the Simpsons buy a haunted house which does everything in its supernatural powers to get rid of the Simpsons. At the end, the house destroys itself rather than live with the family.
- The Devil and Homer Simpson – Ned Flanders as the Devil, the starting line for the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers, and Homer snarfing down donuts faster than the fiends of hell can serve them up. Best of all? Homer ends up with a donut for a head.
- Homer3 – the famous episode in which Homer becomes a three-dimensional being in Los Angeles, forced to console himself with a visit to an erotic bakery.
- The Shinning – If you watch Jack Nicholson in the Shining, then you need to watch the Simpsons take on that movie. The family is seemingly saved by the presence of a portable television until….
With all this Halloween spirit, you’ll need some appropriate beverages as well. There are certainly plenty to choose from, even on the wine front. Many of these are once a year gimmicks that, while not outright horrible, are definitely not something you’d want to spend much time with. So, here’s our list of good, scary wine to enjoy with your favorite scary show:
- Vampire Cabernet – there was a time when this wine, like vampires, was hard to find, but it’s become so popular that even grocery stores carry it. Don’t fret, it’s still a big, full-bodied cab, perfect for those cool fall days.
- True Blood wines – yes, named after the TV show, and now owned by Vampire wines, this winery has three varietals – Chardonnay, Pinot Noir, and Cabernet Sauvignon. All three are excellent wines though the cab is probably the most popular.
- Elk Creek – offers two scary wines: the Ghostly White Chardonnay and the Bone Dry Cabernet. The Chard here is delicious, crisp and complex and the bottle alone will set the proper mood. The Cab is not as powerful as the others we mentioned above – it’s a drier wine with more tannins and layers. Definitely for those guests who prefer their reds to be more interesting.
- Poizin – from Armida winery, this red zin is a dry, woody concoction that fills your mouth with cherry and plum before a long, silky finish. Good alternative for those who are looking for a something a little less fruity.
It’s that time of year, cats of the world. Time to scare the bejeezus out of your humans, just because you can.